A SPARROW & THE ROSES

   As I am writing this it has been 50 days since the miscarriage.  It has been an emotional roller-coaster.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what might have been.  
I have had an especially hard time with very small babies and pregnant women the past few weeks.  And I hate that, because there is nothing more precious than that little life and a life growing in the safety of a mama's womb.  For some reason I feel like I didn't protect enough.  And then I feel a little like I have split personalities because I know that it wasn't anything that I did or didn't do.  It's just hard to think of what might have been, but as I said, there is not a day that goes by without feeling that way. I feel jealous sometimes, I hate that.  I want to feel joy for other parents and all I keep thinking is that I should be feeling that same joy.  

  This song has encouraged me as of late: (Click here for the video!)

THIS IS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL - JENNY & TYLER

A little sparrow is serenading me
Brand new melodies, songs so sweet
The roses' aroma is flying in the breeze
I close my eyes, breathe in deep
Yesterday is gone
Today I can see, oh today I can see
My, my, my, for the very first time
I waved goodbye, bye, bye
To what used to weight me down
My, my, my everything’s alright
The sun is shining down
I’m looking all around and this is just so beautiful
I felt forgiveness in the deep recesses of my soul
I was so empty, now i’m full, i'm whole
The world is cold and so very, very cruel
But the sparrows and the roses remind me there’s still so much good
Yesterday is gone
Today i can see, oh today I believe
My, my, my, for the very first time
I waved goodbye, bye, bye
To what used to weight me down
My, my, my everything’s alright
The sun is shining down
I’m looking all around and this is just so beautiful
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
My, my, my, for the very first time
I waved goodbye, bye, bye
To what used to weight me down
My, my, my everything’s alright
The sun is shining down
I’m looking all around
And this is just so beautiful

  When I was pregnant with Gracie we decided to pick a song for her (I've always loved you by Third Day), it was what was playing when she moved for the first time.  So we decided to do this again when I found out I was pregnant.  We chose the song above because it had taken us so long to conceive, and we felt that this was just so beautiful.  Only this time it was more like a "healing song" than a "rejoice over our baby song".  Only God knew that when we picked it!  He is so amazing!

  So I guess I live day to day with hope of healing and being able to know that the sparrow in the roses remind me there is still so much good.  

 Our God is so good.  He knows all of my frustrations and He sees all of my tears.  He writes them down, not because He has to so that He can remember, but to reassure me that He does remember and that He does care.

  I thank you Father God for holding me, and writing down my tears!